Over the last few years I’ve been getting older. It’s a bad habit I just can’t seem to shake, and it’s starting to seriously affect my quality of life.

This weekend I had a big Saturday planned. Hit the hill to do some snowboarding, then drink s and dinner, then a bad sweater party at a friend’s house. You throw a random B.Spears back massage in there and that is pretty much my perfect day. Instead what happens? I have half a beer at dinner and I start to fade. We’re talking head nods in the pub, my face balanced ever so delicately over my plate of nachos. When I got home I threw on the hockey game and promptly fell asleep at 9:30pm…and slept through the entire night! Apparently, old man Hornbell really needs to recharge those batteries. To make matters worse, I managed to pull a muscle in my neck and back while I was sleeping. Not snowboarding through trees and over rocks, I injured myself while tucked into my cozy bed.

Unfortunately this isn’t an isolated incident. Last year I destroyed my lower back while I was helping move tables at a friend’s wedding. The worst part was that only seconds before someone had asked me if I needed help. I looked at them like they were crazy and I heaped scorn at them. “A man, like the Horn here, need help? Surely you jest.” I even went so far as to pop a bicep at them. Then BOOM, next table I lifted sent lightning to my lower back and had me on the floor near tears. They acted sympathetic, but I could see joy in their eyes.

I’ve tried stemming the tide of my deteriorating body by not exercising to avoid strain, eating foods with lots of preservatives in them, and slathering my body of Oil Of Olay. I’ll have a younger body in no time.

pulled a muscle while stretching
Clark